A recent Public Agenda study affirms what others have said
in times past – in many ways, the family is a microcosm of the American
society as a whole.
In that case, society is in trouble – because families
are.
Indeed, the Public Agenda study states the situation plainly
– despite their efforts, parents are having trouble.
And the trouble is both external – and internal.
The parenting challenge: Modern parents face an onslaught of pressures in
raising their children, including countering strong cultural forces and teaching
kids key values
Editors Note: The following is the first of a two-part
look at the challenge of modern parenting. This weeks article focuses
on the current state of parenting and how parents themselves feel they are meeting
the challenge. Next weeks article will offer some tips on how parents
can respond to modern pressures and meet that challenge.
C. Lacy Thompson, LBM Associate Editor
A recent Public Agenda study affirms what others have said
in times past – in many ways, the family is a microcosm of the American
society as a whole.
In that case, society is in trouble – because families
are.
Indeed, the Public Agenda study states the situation plainly
– despite their efforts, parents are having trouble.
And the trouble is both external – and internal.
Externally, culture at large poses a frightening landscape,
notes the study released last fall.
“For a very large majority of todays parents, the
world we live in presents a challenge,” it says. “With a salacious
popular culture and plague of drugs and violent crime, most parents believe
that contemporary America can pose an unhospitable and even dangerous climate
for raising children.
“They feel they must be on guard constantly to protect
their youngsters from danger. They say they must counter a daily cascade of
negative lessons seeping into their homes from the world outside,” the
study says.
Internally, parents simply are failing to get the job done.
“A good way to assess how successful parents are … is
to look at the percentage of parents who identify a goal as absolutely essential
and subtract from that the percentage who think theyve succeeded with
their own child,” authors of the Public Agenda study propose.
“This analysis shows that even in the areas where parents
indicate a sense of urgency, there are still gaps between their goal and the
success they feel they are making in teaching it to their child. … In only
six of 11 traits a (typically slim) majority of parents say theyve succeeded
in teaching it to their child.”
In other words, when it comes to parenting, the study affirms
its title – “A lot easier said than done.”
The challenge of culture
The Public Agenda organization works to help American leaders
better understand the publics view on issues and to help citizens better
understand critical issues.
In this instance, the organization focused on what it cites
as “the tough job of parenting.”
That focus included a review of various surveys, as well as
involvement of 12 focus groups in seven states. It also included a random telephone
survey of 1,607 parents.
Each generation of parents faces different challenges, the
resulting study acknowledges. But pressures seem to be building on modern parents,
especially related to cultural influences, it emphasizes.
Indeed, culture lies at the heart of the first two findings.
Finding one
Parents say that todays America offers a difficult
environment for raising children. They say our society barrages youngsters
with harmful messages and, if parents are not very careful, even poses genuine
physical dangers for kids. These hazards are a source of constant worry, posing
an even tougher problem than household finances or lack of family time for
many parents.
Finding two
Parents say that television in some form is a virtually inescapable
part of life today and one that sometimes offers offensive, disturbing messages.
Even so, the vast majority of parents acknowledge televisions benefits,
and few say they have ever seriously considered doing without television.
Half of parents report that their child has a television set in his or her
room, and they are divided on how they handle television watching in their
own homes. Many parents, especially those with younger children, report dogged
efforts to supervise television viewing and filter out or counter its more
questionable aspects. Other parents take a laissez-faire approach.
Simply put – the world “out there” frightens
parents.
“Whether they are affluent or struggling, whether they
raise their child alone or with a spouse, whether they live in cities or suburbs,
whether they are raising a young child or a teen, todays parents voice
a gnawing unease about societys impact on their children,” the study
notes.
“According to parents, there are just too many dangers,
too many temptations and too many harmful influences for them to be able to
relax.”
Indeed, 79 percent of parents say they worry “a lot”
or “some” about drugs and alcohol, while almost as many say they worry
about negative influences from a childs peers (76 percent) and negative
images in the media (73 percent).
And in a telling sign of the times – despite current economic
difficulties, more parents say they worry about protecting their child from
negative social influences (47 percent) than paying the bills (23 percent).
Those numbers are not much different for low-income parents
– 42 percent to 29 percent.
“(Parents seem) genuinely bewildered by the changing social
mores they observe and are often shocked by the behavior they see in the media
and among people around them,” the study notes.
“Over and over again, parents referred to what they see
as the vulgarity of modern life, and they anguished over the lessons of irresponsibility
and tastelessness and selfishness that seem to come from every direction.”
Is it any wonder that three-quarters of parents involved in
the study said they face a greater challenge in dealing with social influences
than their parents did. At the same time, more than half of them (53 percent)
say they are doing a worse job raising their kids than their parents did.
One area that focuses that struggle is television, which represents
the “first and primary conduit” for negative social influences for
many families, the study notes.
However, television poses just as much of a struggle for parents,
who bemoan its impact but do little about it.
The study notes that by age 10, at least half of all children
have a television in their rooms. At that same point in time, just 53 percent
of parents say there always is an adult around when the child is watching television.
By age 13, that number had dropped to 30 percent.
In many ways, parents are inconsistent in how they handle television,
the study concludes. In their defense, parents say the medium can offer benefits
– and whatever their efforts would be, a child in modern society will find
television and its influence readily available, even pervasive.
The challenge of responsibility
As noted earlier, the challenge of modern parenting is not
limited to external forces, however great those may be.
Parents also understand their role – and responsibility
– to instill their children with key values and character traits.
Finding three
Americas parents know there are certain values and
character traits that are essential to transmit to their children, and they
readily admit that far more work needs to be done in many areas before they
can claim success. Today, more than ever, there seems to be a special urgency
and practical relevance to making sure their children attain critical character
traits – such as independence, self-control, honesty and politeness –
because having them can help mitigate the harmful messages and negative social
influences that so many kids are exposed to these days.
Finding four
There are an infinite number of strategies for raising children,
and parents of kids of all ages say they often find themselves struggling
to find the right one for each situation. Virtually all believe that giving
children constant love and encouragement is a critical approach to child rearing,
but they also believe that preparing children for real life requires structure
and boundaries. Parents often find themselves weighing the need to protect
their children from danger against the need to loosen the reins and let kids
learn from their own mistakes.
The list of values and traits identified by parents is not
new. Those ranked highest include honesty and truthfulness (cited as absolutely
essential by 91 percent of parents), courtesy and politeness (84 percent), self-control
and self-discipline (83 percent) and always doing ones best in school
(82 percent).
Others cited by parents as important include independence (74
percent) ability to save money and spend carefully (70 percent), good nutrition
and eating habits (68 percent), helping those less fortunate (62 percent) and
having strong religious faith (61 percent).
Unfortunately, just because parents agree on the importance
of the values and traits, it does not mean they are proving successful in instilling
them in their children.
Indeed, the Public Agenda study examines the difference between
the percentage of parents who consider a value essential and the percentage
who say they have succeeded in instilling that value in their child.
The results are sizable gaps.
The biggest problem lies in the area of self-control and self-discipline,
the study maintains. Eighty-three percent of parents consider the trait as essential
– but only 34 percent say they have succeeded in teaching it.
That represents a 49-point gap.
Similarly, there is a 42 point gap related to teaching children
about money and a 36-point gap in the area of honesty and truthfulness.
“I know what needs to be done,” one father acknowledges
regarding his struggle related to a particular value. “I do, but you cant
fight that battle every day. Eventually, theyll wear you down. What are
you going to do? I did not set limits early enough. I did not put my foot down
early enough.”
Indeed, part of the problem is the sometimes conflicting principles
parents hold about rearing children.
For instance, 93 percent of parents agree that children do
best when limits are set and enforced.
However, 95 percent say sometimes a parent has to allow children
to make mistakes and deal with the consequences. In turn, 85 percent insist
parents have to pick their battles andcannot fight with their child about everything.
Finally, 82 percent say being too strict can backfire by leading a child to
do things behind ones back.
Add that to the fact that parents are in conflict regarding
the use of punishment – how much and what type. In addition, they struggle
with trying to take in account a childs personality and stage of life.
Finally, the study notes parents own state of mind often comes into play
– how tired they are, who they can count on for help, what their parents
would do or what their spouse might think.
It is small wonder that the study found 17 percent of its participating
parents fell into the “overwhelmed” category – feeling they have
lost effectiveness as a parent and there is little they can do to control how
their child grows.
Another 17 percent were “softies” – admitting
they are too quick to give in to their childs wants and too reluctant
to enforce rules.
A similar group (18 percent) are “parents-in-chief”
– who watch their children carefully and clearly are in charge.
Finally, 8 percent of parents were “best buddies”
in the study – those who seem to want to be their childs friend rather
than an authority figure.
Of course, the study is quick to note that not every parent
fits one of the category, and some parents fit more than one.
However, the groups do offer a view of the landscape and an
understanding of why even 61 percent of those involved in the recent study give
modern parents a failing grade.
The challenge of meeting the challenge
The Public Agenda study concludes with two other findings –
related to the special concerns of parents of teenagers and low-income and single
parents.
Essentially, the finding shows that by the time children are
teenagers, parents begin worrying more, fearful of their child making a life-changing
mistake. They also have begun making a little more progress in instilling key
values and traits – but not nearly enough.
In turn, the final finding shows low-income and single parents
share the same concerns as all parents – with added stress and pressures
related to finances and their situation.
Across the board, the challenge is clear – to help struggling
parents, the study indicates.
“Parents today say they are fighting – and sometimes
losing – an uphill battle to raise their children to have strong values,”
it notes. “Moreover, they face an unending conflict around when to be tough
on their kids and when to ease up.”
It is difficult to overstate the challenge facing parents,
the study concludes. “Many parents say that todays environment makes
it impossible for them to let their guard down – even for a minute,”
it notes.
The good news is parents are not thoughtless on the whole,
the study says. They are concerned and involved and struggling with how to cope
and succeed.
The bad news is parents are more alone than ever, adds Deborah
Wadsworth, president of Public Agenda.
“Older generations are often quick to point out that they
had an easier time raising their children because of societal institutions that
could be counted on to reinforce their values,” she points out. “Parents
today feel bereft of such allies.”
The key question is whether Americans believe they have a shared
obligation when it comes to raising children, Wadsworth emphasizes in her study
remarks.
“Are we really interested in creating a more values-friendly
environment that would give parents some allies in their struggles to raise
good kids?” she asks.
“Do we have the will even to question the circumstances
that lead parents today to say that their jobs are a lot easier said than
done?”
In essence, it is the same question Southern Baptist leaders
are asking. They have established a Council on Family Life and are preparing
an ongoing emphasis to help Americans build stronger Christian families.
And it also relates to the question each Baptist church must
ask of itself and each person must ask of himself or herself.
“Are we doing enough to help the families within our reach
– across town, down the street, next door?
“Are we paying attention even to know their needs?
“Are we giving families needed resources and support?
“Are we serving as mentors?
“Are we practicing what we preach?
“Are we doing something – anything at all even –
to make their jobs somehow a little easier done than said?”
As the Public Agenda study acknowledges – the future of
society as a whole depends on the answer.
(For information on family-related resources, persons may contact the Louisiana
Baptist Convention at 800-622-6549 or 318-448-3402 or www.lbc.org
or LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention at 615-251-2605
or www.lifeway.com.)