Church leaders can steer congregations in a healthy direction by honestly facing conflict instead of running from it or turning a dispute into
a personal battle, Ken Schmitt insists.
Too many church members treat the biblical mandate of reconciliation
as an opportunity to argue their case, said Schmitt, a former pastor who spoke
at a recent Kentucky Baptist Convention gathering.
Church leaders can steer congregations in a healthy direction by honestly facing conflict instead of running from it or turning a dispute into
a personal battle, Ken Schmitt insists.
Too many church members treat the biblical mandate of reconciliation
as an opportunity to argue their case, said Schmitt, a former pastor who spoke
at a recent Kentucky Baptist Convention gathering.
Many people misunderstand Jesus process on resolving
conflicts in Matthew 18:15-17, Schmitt said. The passage calls for private reproof,
then intervention by a small group and then taking the matter before the whole
congregation – as a last resort.
“We see this as one-two-three strikes, and youre
out,” Schmitt said. “(Instead) We are to work toward reconciliation
for the common good.”
Instead, Schmitt urged persons to look at disputes from a “systems”
thinking approach. The “systems” approach calls for thinking about
the world and each persons part in it as a whole, he explained.
In that way, people come to appreciate how all members contribute
to the congregation and develop respect for others, even those that irritate
them, he said.
“Systems thinking changes our focus from the speck in
our brothers eye to the beam in our own,” Schmitt said. “The
most significant thing we can do to change behavior is to deal with the beam
in our eye.”
However, too often, persons focus on the problems they think
others pose, said Schmitt, assistant director in charge of pastoral care for
Wycliffe Bible translators.
Such an approach creates the potential for intense battles,
Schmitt said.
To illustrate, he referred to a past lawsuit when he was pastor
of a non-denominational church in Tennessee.
A woman sued for $20,000 for injuries she received during a
contentious business meeting, when she fell over a pew and banged her hand.
In addition to her alleged attacker, she named the church as a defendant for
allowing the incident to occur.
Schmitt said the episode was an extreme example of a common
ailment in churches, where people avoid confronting others until simmering problems
explode.
“Avoidance isnt love. We want to avoid discomfort.
It isnt dealing out of love. We arent really turning the other check.
“We need to learn a new vision of dealing with problems,”
Schmitt said. “The problem is change is challenging. It hurts.”
One solution is to develop what Schmitt called Christian assertiveness.
This calls for working on the system that leads to problems instead of fretting
over them.
Healing the system often eliminates the problem and helps members
develop respect for others role, Schmitt said.
Persons then can avoid dismissing difficult people and come
to appreciate “how they challenge us and contribute to our spiritual growth,”
he explained.
Changing a system also is more valuable than concentrating
on symptoms, he said.
To illustrate, Schmitt told an amusing story about a high school
where girls were kissing bathroom mirrors to leave lipstick marks, despite threats
of suspension and other punishment from leaders.
However, before the situation could escalate, a cleaning lady
solved the problem. She did so by simply walking into the bathroom while females
were putting on lipstick, dipping a sponge in a toilet and wiping the mirrors,
Schmitt said.
Likewise, churches often attack symptoms, Schmidt said. A common
example comes in dealing with the problem of low enrollment in adult education,
he noted.
Instead of blaming teacher quality, grumbling about lack of
commitment or trying to simply boost enrollment, a systems approach asks what
can be done to deal with the situation, Schmitt said.
When presented with that challenge in a small-group setting,
participants offered several suggestions. These included varying class times,
scheduling special-interest sessions, polling members about their needs, improving
nursery care to attract more young adults and improving teacher training.
The theory also applies when churches are upset at a pastor,
another speaker said.
Congregations need to face what they are doing wrong instead
of blaming everything on their leader, said David Stancil, a church layperson
and deacon for 10 years and now an associate pastor in Louisville.
As a layperson, Stancil found himself in a church faced with
squabbling and division. “I got up and said, The last four pastors
have left without our blessing and they were good people. The problem is not
the pastor, the problem is us.
“It took us about a year and a half to work through that,”
Stancil said.
Noting that the virus of gossip will not spread without leaders
participation, Stancil emphasized that if deacons and spouses behave in healthy
ways, it will dramatically improve congregational health.
For instance, if a member is upset about the pastor, deacons
should ask if the individual has gone to the pastor or offer to go along or
ask if he or she can discuss the situation with the pastor, Stancil said.
If the complainer refuses, the deacon should point out that
person is acting unbiblically and will be held accountable, Stancil explained.
“If people know the rules, the system becomes healthy,”
he said.
“The goal is not to win.
“Its reconciliatioon.” (ABP)