Recently, my friend lost a loved one to death. I don’t know what to say or do to help her during this difficult time. Can you help me?
Question: Recently, my friend lost a loved one to death. I don’t know what to say or do to help her during this difficult time. Can you help me?
Michele Louviere answers: None of us are very comfortable with helping our grieving friends. As a society, we aren’t very good at mourning or helping others mourn. During biblical days, people would sit in piles of ashes, tear their clothing and just weep. Most of us are very uncomfortable with others’ outpourings of grief, because we feel inadequate and helpless. Although Job’s friends certainly were wrong in what words they spoke to Job during his great loss, they give a great illustration of helping friends grieve. Before they spoke, they just sat in the ashes for days with Job while he grieved. The greatest gift that we can give a grieving friend is our loving presence. Besides our presence though, we can be careful with what we say to a grieving friend. Often our words, like Job’s friends, can really damage a person when he or she is most vulnerable.
When talking to a grieving person, offer simple, understanding statements like “This must be very hard for you” or “I wish I could take the hurt away.” Try not to minimize their pain with comments like “It’s probably for the best” or “Things could be worse.” Even statements, such as “God is in control” can hurt people because it feels like you don’t really understand the pain. If you say “I’m so sorry,” add another statement, such as “I know how special he was to you” or “I’ll miss her, too.” Allow a person to feel whatever he or she needs to feel. Finally, don’t try to answer the question, “Why?” That is where Job’s friends got in trouble. It’s better to just say, “I don’t know why. I wish I had some answers to give you.” We could really hurt our friend if we try to offer explanations about why tragedies happen or if we tell our friend that she or she will be stronger because of this. We need to be careful about the timing of our words.
Don’t say “Is there anything that I can do?” Rarely will a grieving person say yes and tell you what he or she needs. Instead, think about what you would need if you had just lost someone close to you. Be direct with your offer. “Would tomorrow be a good day for me to help you with some chores or would you like for me to watch the children on Saturday?”
In the next article, I will give some more insight on helping a grieving friend. Sometimes though, the best gift that you can give a friend is a good book on grief, such as Norman Wright’s Recovering from the Losses of Life or Marilyn Heavilin’s Roses in December. It is a privilege to sit in the ashes with a friend at the darkest point of life to provide Jesus’ comfort and peace.
Michele Louviere serves as Clinical Director of Celebration Hope Center, a program of Healing Hearts for Community Development (HHCD), which is a ministry of Celebration Church. You can connect with Michele and learn more about how HHCD is bringing help, hope and healing to New Orleans by visiting www.HealingHeartsNola.org.