By Michelle Louviere, Director of Counselilng Celebration Church, Metairie
[img_assist|nid=6061|title=Michele Louviere, director of counseling, Celebration Church, Metairie|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=100|height=90]Question: Overall, I have a good relationship with my spouse, but we struggle with handling conflict.
Having a bad argument can quickly rob us of our feelings of closeness. Can you help us?
Michelle Louviere responds: Handling conflict is a challenge for all couples. In a few moments, a couple can go from being intimate to feeling frustrated, isolated and wounded.
Unresolved conflict can lead to a couple building walls of protection around their hearts that can eventually result in a broken relationship.
Learning how to resolve conflict in healthy ways is a key component for success in a relationship.
Dr. Sharon Morris May has written a book called How to Argue So that Your Spouse Listens that provides great insight into healthy conflict resolution. One concept that she addresses in her book is the principle of creating a “safe haven” in your relationship.
Your relationship with your spouse should be a safe place, where you are able to address and find solutions for any challenges that you face. How can a couple create a safe haven?
To begin with, go back to the time and place that you married your spouse.
At that moment, you formed a covenant relationship between the two of you and God.
You promised to nurture, love, respect, honor, and do good for each other until death.
Take some time to talk about this with your spouse in a non-condemning way. Compliment your spouse for the ways that he or she does fulfill this covenant relationship.
Often, find time to express how much you mean to one another and how much you value your relationship.
Second, discuss how you can make talking about differences safer.
You want to build a team feeling of “we,” instead of a battle-feel of “I.”
Creating a safe haven means that you build an atmosphere that affirms both spouses and is non-critical. When you have the mind-set that successful conflict resolution happens when both people win, then it is easier to shift from anger, fear, and rage to a more caring mind-set.
When in a heated debate, it is so easy to become defensive and to criticize your spouse. Try to “slow down” the conflict by focusing on your spouse’s heart.
Really listen and be on his or her side, before you make a case for your point of view.
Remind yourself that this is your life partner whom you’ve made a covenant promise to protect, nurture, love, and respect.
Carefully choose words that will create a safe place to discuss differences.
Remind yourself that your spouse is not your enemy; rather, he or she is God’s gift to you to have a safe place to grow and become all that He has created you to be.
Healthy conflict resolution is allowing God to use these times of disagreement to help you grow as individuals and a couple.
Michele Louviere, LMFT, serves as Clinical Director of Celebration Hope Center, a ministry of Healing Hearts for Community Development. For more information, see www.HealingHeartsNola.org.